I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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