I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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