i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
