my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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