just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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