Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
