Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
