I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
