umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
