Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
