how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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