You smell like stripper and shame
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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