A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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