totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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