My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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