Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
