This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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