the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
