Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
