Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Let's get the cat blown out
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
