She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
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Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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