**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
