I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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