I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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