the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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