They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
