Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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