just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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