Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
They took my balls.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
