I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Panties = found
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
