She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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