dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you will always have a special place in my vag
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
