I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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