saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
