hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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