i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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