obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
