Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
