When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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