it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
