One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
