im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
