I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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