you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
