i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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