He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Randomize
