he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
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I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
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I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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