if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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