Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
