if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
