I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Randomize
