Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
