is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
