Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
