Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
