Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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