i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
