um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
