My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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