made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
