Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
